Secret Lives of Second Wives

Being a second wife is hard. That is the premise of "Secret Lives of Second Wives."

We see just how "hard" it is in the opening credits, which is a colorful montage of alcoholic beverages overlayed by classical jazz. What could be the occasion for all this booze and pretentious music? Why, of course, it's the meeting of The Second Wives Club. You see, the title of this film is not just some figurative label for a group of women who happen to be second wives, but an actual, literal club that meets periodically throughout the movie. And let me tell you, these "ladies" are a real piece of work. But more on that later.

The star of our film is Lynn, played by Andrea Roth (a.k.a Harper, the megabitch first wife of Goodwin on "Lost"). Already I know that no matter what, I am not going to like this character. She could spend the entirety of the film sending money to starving children and resuscitating ailing puppies and I still might only view her with cold indifference. Not to mention, she looks a little bit like The Lion Lady, so it's hard to understand why all the men in this movie are constantly throwing themselves at her.

Luckily, it's easy to hate Lynn, since she spends the majority of the movie wallowing in tween-like, self-pitying melodrama. Lynn begins the movie whining to the other "ladies" about her marriage to Jack, who has two "bratty" children from a previous marriage. And even though they both totally love Jane Austin novels and even though "Jack was a skillful dancer," Lynn is all, "He hasn't even carried me over the threshold yet BECAUSE WE ARE LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE HE LIVED WITH HIS EX!" The "ladies" act appropriately outraged and shake their heads sympathetically, adding in little comments like, "You tell him, girl." And soon I am beginning to feel like I am just watching an extended Yaz commercial.

Next we listen to the old cougars talk about this hot piece of meat named Alex, who is apparently an engineer they have all solicited to appraise the value of houses. One of the "ladies" keeps going on and on about his Levi jeans. I don't know who this Alex is, but already I feel bad for him, because I'm almost positive he is eventually going to share a sex montage scene with The Lion Lady.

Lynn, being self-absorbed and awful, brings the conversation back to herself as she recounts Jack's birthday. I guess she, being a wonderful, AWESOME wife, prepared a party for him, except those dirty nasty children of his went and RUINED it by inviting his ex-wife, who -- by the way -- totally wishes she was European, but SPOILER ALERT: she's not. Anyways, the ex-wife is all kinds of crazy and almost certainly on Xanax, among other drugs.

Speaking of mental health issues, Lynn rather maliciously takes this opportunity to denigrate both of Jack's children.
"Jack's daughter is so rigorous about what she eats," she says.
"Probs bulimic," says one of the other hens."
"Patrick has never had to do anything on his own and it shows," says Lynn.
"Oh, well he got drunk enough on his own," says Catty McBitch-Face.

And now Patrick is moving back in with his father and Lynn, and the daughter (god, I can't even remember her name) wants the world's most expensive wedding, and the ex-wife just broke up with her Italian lover, so she is like ALL OVER Jack, who, by the way, works on Wall Street and lost like A TON of money in a recent trade (how very portentous of you, Lifetime), so they are brokesville and can't afford Lynn dream house. Also, Lynn's BFF, this old guy named Harrison, has a stroke, and seriously, Lynn's entire life is crumbling to pieces.

So this naturally drives Lynn into the arms of Alex. Sweet, beautiful, sexy Alex, who, for reasons I will never understand, is basically IN LOVE with Lynn. Gross. Lynn later tells the "ladies," that when she spoke with Alex about house appraisals she "wasn't having professional thoughts." The "ladies" love this and smirk gleefully at the thought of this juicy gossip. Catty McBitch-Face tells Lynn that "being a bitch is better than being a doormat." Totes words to live by, Catty.

Basically from here, things start to deteriorate. Lynn's mother-in-law visits, and more or less accuses her of being a gold digger, and Harrison is basically in a vegetative state. Lynn continues to sex up Alex, and is seriously considering leaving Jack once and for all. Also, I just have to give a little shout out of appreciation to the scene where they showed Lynn reading "The Scarlet Letter." Nice.

Then just when we're sure Lynn is going to leave Jack for good, Patrick starts being nice to Lynn. And then Jack's daughter starts being nice to Lynn. And apparently, that's all it took for her to want to make the marriage work. Then Patrick runs over Lynn's cat, which I guess we're supposed to take as a metaphor for giving up spinster life for good? (By the way, the cat was OK. It only lost an eye. According to the veterinarian, "They're amazing animals.")

The movie ends at the daughter's wedding, and everything is super awesome now, because Lynn gets along with everyone, including the ex-wife, who -- in a complete contradiction to her character -- tells Lynn to take care of Jack. We also learn that the monetary situation is fixed because Alex -- who despite being dumped, strangely still wanted to please Lynn -- worked out some deal so that the wedding would be free? I don't even know.

My Stepson, My Lover

“My Stepson, My Lover” begins like all great Lifetime movies: in a dreamy, retrospective voice-over — this one in the delightful “Southern” accent of English actress Rachel Ward. She muses, “I wished for someone to love – a husband, a child. But be careful what you wish for … it might come true.” Her words sound both ominous and slightly Australian. Immediately, I knew I was in for a treat.

The “hero” of our story is Kate, a 40-something nurse who enjoys riding horses and saving lives. But there’s just one problem: poor Kate is all alone! Enter the fabulously wealthy Phil Cory, a recent widow with a heart problem. I’m sensing some metaphors.

Of course at this hospital, all the doctors are complete shit, and Kate has to single-handedly save Mr. Cory’s life. “Live! LIVE!” she shouts, eyes crazed like a modern Victor Frankenstein. Naturally, in between pounding his chest to life, Kate has time to smile at the dying patient and they have a little moment. The seeds of sweet romance are planted.

Next thing you know, Kate starts receiving tons and tons of free shit – flowers, jewelry, hospital toys, you name it. “Who could be sending all this to lil ol me?” she asks, her voice fluctuating from Southern to English to Australian in one breath. And of course it’s our zombie heart patient, who we can now see is played by Terry O’Quinn, a.k.a. JOHN LOCKE. And he’s riding around in a WHEEL CHAIR. With a PORN STACHE. This movie just got better.

John Locke asks Kate out on a date, but she is all, “I don’t know. Would that be appropriate? Gee, I don’t know.” So John Locke just keeps buying her more stuff until, finally, she agrees to go out with him. And let me tell you, that first date was the longest, most extravagant, pimpest date I have ever seen. It begins in John Locke’s penthouse apartment (holla!), and then there is a helicopter ride (sexual metaphors abound), and then some horse riding, and then a home-cooked dinner, and then, just when I thought this movie couldn’t cram in one more cheesy romantic cliché, the date ends as the two play on John Locke’s grand piano … together. Not to be outdone by his first date, on what appears to be their second date, John Locke tells Kate that he loves her and proposes.

So the two get married (Kate is wearing a white skirt and jacket, for those interested -- totally Jackie O), and now the movie starts to get good. We learn that John Locke has a son, and let me tell you, those two DO NOT GET ALONG. We also learn, that apparently John Locke is a piece-of-shit husband who is always away on business and tries to make Kate quit her job because now she is his trophy wife. Oh, and we get our first sex scene, because even though they are both 40+, they clearly can’t have sex before they are married, right Lifetime? Poor Kate!

One time, while John Locke is away on business, and Kate is brooding in her mansion over her awful life, we meet John Locke’s stepson. He looks a little bit like a Neanderthal, but damn does he have a good body. He also has a horse named Princess, so we immediately know he is the sensitive, caring type. At first Kate and the stepson only do appropriate mother-son things, like ride together on his motorcycle, dance together at a bar and go swimming in their private lake in their underwear. It’s obvs that the stepson is “in love” with Kate, but Kate is like, “I’m married to your father and I’m going to have his babies!”

NEWSFLASH! It turns out John Locke had a vasectomy. Kate is pissed, so that means she is going to have sex with the stepson, who she finds at his lake lodge wearing a bandana (because he’s a badass) and no shirt (the stepson is rarely wearing a shirt). Kate is wearing a wife beater tucked into mom jeans. Sexy.

Like many Lifetime sex scenes, there is a whole lot of electric guitar playing in the background, which represents passion, but also danger. Because John Locke is totes going to find out about this, and when he does, he goes trotting on over to his super ripped son’s lake house bachelor pad to defend his honor.

Spoiler alert, the stepson throws John Locke off the balcony and he is deadzo. Which is great for our Oedipal couple, except now the stepson is getting charged with is murder! Luckily Kate is super-best-friends with a Johnnie Cochran type of lawyer, and with his help and some stirringly bad performances by our girl Kate, the jury lets the stepson go.
And they all live happily ever after right?

WRONG. It turns out, the stepson was the one who tipped John Locke off about the affair, afterall. He wanted to confront his father so that he could kill him and get Kate all to himself. When Kate figures this out, she is shocked! It’s like, the stepson is just as bad as John Locke! So she goes to confront the shirtless murderer, and the two have a big fight, when the next thing we see is the stepson falling off the balcony JUST LIKE HIS FATHER!

Except he doesn’t die. He’s just paralyzed. And twist no. 2, he’s still living with Kate at the end of the movie! The final scene is just weird and nonsensical and legally dubious, as Kate apparently has covered up her own act of manslaughter by marrying the stepson. “Hey darlin, you ready for your ice cream?” she coos to him, in her creepy Southern-English-Australian drawl while feeding him with a spoon and kissing him.

Credits roll.